My fellow Democrats, now that the inauguration is over and Barack Hussein Obama has been officially sworn in as our magnanimous Commander-in-Chief once more, it's time to get down to the real business at hand.
Seriously, folks, the first order of business, of course, is taxes. We have to make them even higher. And not just on the rich. How else are we going to keep cranking out those unemployment and welfare checks? Not to mention those pay raises we vote in for ourselves each year. Democracy ain't cheap, you know.
Naturally, we'll need more tax-funded abortions and contraception. Remember, each person -I mean, non-viable blob of tissue - we eliminate is one less individual we'll have to worry about later on (never mind the fact that minorities are most affected by this form of infanticide) which, by-the-way, is another reason to support gay marriage and ridicule the Catholic Church. Besides, we have to make room for illegal immigrants, and loyal Democrats, somehow.
All you senior citizens (especially who voted for Mitt Romney) out there - It makes no sense to prolong your miserable lives with expensive drugs and operations that are better spent on the youth of America who, as we all know, came out in far greater numbers in the last two elections. But don't worry! Physician assisted suicide will still be covered under Obamacare. Choosing death should not be limited to the unborn, you know.
As far as Sandy Hook, well, never let a crisis go to waste. We just have to do something about those guns. No one needs automatic weapons; except, of course, the Secret Service assigned to protect the first family. Besides, everyone knows the Founding Fathers were only thinking about deer-hunting and shooting Budweiser cans off the backs of pick-up trucks when they created the Second Amendment. Right?
Port St. Lucie, Fla.